Why an All-Consuming, Passionate “Love” is a One-Way Ticket to Hell

Why an All-Consuming, Passionate “Love” is a One-Way Ticket to Hell

Let’s talk about butterflies.

You know the feeling—you see their name pop up, and suddenly, you’re lightheaded. You’re skipping meals. Your heart is in a vice grip, and every time they breathe in your direction, it’s like the universe just whispered your name.

Yeah. That’s not love. That’s chemically induced chaos. And if no one’s told you before, butterflies are a red flag.

Hollywood Lied to You, Babe

Every great romance movie shoves this idea down our throats: love should be intense. Overwhelming. Make-you-sick-to-your-stomach passionate. If you’re not falling apart over this person, do you even love them?

But here’s the reality—love isn’t supposed to feel like free-falling off a cliff. It’s not a storm that wrecks your peace. It’s not an obsession.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, calls this “love addiction”—a cycle of dopamine-fueled highs and devastating lows that keeps you hooked, not happy. (Solomon, 2017).

And if you think that sounds boring, that’s because you’re addicted to the chaos.

Butterflies Are Actually a Trauma Response

That heart-racing, stomach-dropping feeling? Your body isn’t celebrating. It’s warning you.

Psychologists have linked this reaction to attachment theory—specifically, anxious attachment styles. If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, your brain learned to associate love with anxiety. You mistake emotional instability for passion.

According to Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment, people with an anxious attachment style are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. Why? Because their nervous system recognizes the inconsistency and thinks, “Oh, we know this! This must be love.” (Levine & Heller, 2010).

In other words, if they make you feel on edge, it’s not because they’re “the one.” It’s because your nervous system is screaming for help.

Passion Is Fun—Until It Burns the House Down

No one is saying you shouldn’t be excited about love. But when passion is the only thing keeping the relationship going, you’ve got a problem.

Biologically speaking, the same brain pathways that light up in passionate love also activate in addiction (Fisher, 2016). Dopamine, the same neurotransmitter responsible for drug addiction, fuels that obsessive, can’t-think-straight, all-consuming “love.”

If your relationship is up-and-down, addictive, and borderline psychotic—where you’re crying one second and in bed the next—that’s not love. That’s a situationship with emotional terrorism.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, found that the more uncertain you are about someone’s feelings, the more dopamine your brain releases. This means the more they play games, the more hooked you get—not because they’re special, but because your brain is in survival mode (Fisher et al., 2016).

So if someone has you spiraling, doubting, second-guessing yourself—you’re not in love. You’re in withdrawal.

A Good Relationship Feels Like a Deep Breath, Not a Panic Attack

Let’s get one thing straight: healthy love does NOT feel like anxiety.

What Love Actually Feels Like:

✅ Peace. Your nervous system isn’t in fight or flight.
✅ Trust. You’re not checking their phone or waiting for the shoe to drop.
✅ Security. You know where you stand. No games, no BS.
✅ Growth. You don’t feel like you’re losing yourself—you’re becoming more of who you are.

If your relationship feels like a life-or-death adrenaline rush, do yourself a favor: unsubscribe from the toxicity.

Because the right love? It won’t make you lose sleep. It won’t leave you questioning your worth.

And it sure as hell won’t feel like butterflies.